What I’ve Learned About Pantheism and how it’s Changed Me

In no means am I a religious scholar. Shoot, the closest I’ve come to learning about religion is my 10th grade history class’ unit in religion. My very atheist teacher stopped in the middle of the lesson to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In doing so, he decided he had enough so he turned on Dreamworks’ The Prince of Egypt to finish the lesson out (this film highlighted the story of Moses. Not a bad watch!). Being 15, I was pleased at the easiness of watching a movie in class. Being 15, I felt that I needed no religion to fall back on.

My knowledge of different religions hadn't really gone past that lesson. All I pulled from it was: There’s Christianity. There’s Islam. There’s Hinduism. There’s Buddhism. Those are the most common religions. They have Gods they worship.

One side of my family is Christian. To them, Jesus loved regardless of who you were, so they would too. They understood that he spent his time with and loved sinners, the poor, and the sick. They talked about God and Jesus so highly because of how loving they are. They strived to be like him in all those aspects. As a homosexual female, they stayed true to that when my truth was shared. I still appreciate that to this day.

Unfortunately, having one side of my family with this perception gave me a small identity crisis with who God truly is. The other side of my lineage is very Catholic. They were always more “by-the-book” (or “by-the-Bible”) when it came to religion in that family. There were certain things I was told that I could and couldn’t do, certain things I couldn't wear, how I had to act, having to give things up, how certain people are damned to hell for being the way they are- things that an early teenaged me were absorbing and taking into consideration. Often in worship, I was hearing less about God and more about how I was being controlled.

With having one side showing me how beautiful and loving it could be, I had another showing me that if I don’t be a good girl, who only associates with other good girls, I would be subjected to eternal suffering. What was true? What did I have to believe? Is it good or bad? Just before I turned 15, I decided that I would not believe in anything- I didn't need to if what I was learning was going to be inconspicuous.

Cut to when I turned 16, hardships arisen in my personal life. There were moments I felt alone. Moments I felt scared. Moments I felt that I couldn't possibly go any lower. I had nothing to lean on, but I didn’t want to lean on anything.

One day, I was with my mother. Her and I were conversing like normal. She said to me, “… and I asked the Universe to help we with that.” I nodded and went on like normal, but my first thought was: The Universe? I thought it was always God? From then on, I would hear her say similar things: common statements that use God, but just replaced with the Universe.

I asked her about this soon after. This started a great conversation about her beliefs. The more and more she spoke, the more I realized I never truly knew about what she believed in. She explained to me that the Universe is everything. She told me what manifestation was. She educated me on the healing properties of crystals. The energy in burning things like incense a and herbs (I exempted sages from the original list, we are more educated now). All of it was so beautiful and fascinating to me, until this thought shut it down: There’s a catch, isn’t there?

I was turned off by that. My whole life, I was told about the cons of a belief system. During my peak atheism phase, I only delved into the negatives of the bible, fueling my anger of my perceptions of my past lessons even more. I didn’t want to worry about repercussions, so I ignored it.

I escaped my Catholic family and moved in with my mom full-time the following year. My reasoning was never about religion. The reason is a personal matter, but my reason is linked to so much excess trauma that it was soul-killing to wait another year (when I turned 18) to move away from them. After such a dramatic time period in my life, the day I moved in and never looked back to the other house was one I’ll never forget. When I unloaded my last bit of clothes from my car, a protected feeling rushed over me. It was sort of celestial. My mom and I went out to dinner that night and she praised the universe as we cheered our Diet Cokes. I agreed without thinking and seldom caught myself. To me, this moment was blind acceptance.

I was very grateful to have gotten through that mess. I was feeling like I needed an outlet for all the gratitude I was feeling. Most of the people who had helped me I had thanked endlessly, but something felt off. I felt small and humbled, but it was nice to feel that way. When I was able to pinpoint these emotions, it hit me: Hey! Life is so much bigger than you! You’re a single speck in this universe!

In that moment, I realized that yes, it’s true we’re merely just a small part of this universe. But, here I am, existing. I laid in bed that night and thoughts ran through my head like a rushing river. The universe is the largest thing in existence. There’s infinite galaxies, stars, planets… and here I am. One girl, laying in bed surrounded by my shark stuffed animals in a condo near downtown Seattle in Washington, United States, Earth, Milky Way. It’s the perfect recipe for inadequacy, right? Not necessarily.

My general knowledge of how the universe formed goes back to biology class, but some of this information has still retained. Think about it- yes, you’re minuscule in existence, but remember that when the Universe formed, almost 14 billion years ago, then evolved earth 4.5 billion years ago, everything was perfectly positioned to sustain life. When evolution began, your genetic lineage began to form. Cut to now, wherever you are or what you’re doing, you have family history. That history goes back to the time humans began to evolve. Your existence in the universe was always meant to be; it was just a matter of actions and timing. And look, here you are! You’re reading a random 18-year-old film student’s ramble about the universe!

After a lot of thinking about the universe from a scientific standpoint, I went online with the intention to delve into the spiritual aspect of it. I found the term “Pantheism”.

Pantheism is defined as: “pan·the·ism /ˈpanTHēˌizəm/ noun 1. a doctrine which identifies God with the universe, or regards the universe as a manifestation of God. 2. worship that admits or tolerates all gods.”

This sounded ideal to me. From that Google search, I decided I would now label myself as a Pantheist. I decided that the universe will be my God. I hold this belief close to my heart now, and I will die knowing that this was my label.

The Universe has not asked me to do be anything except a loving human being. I am thankful for that, and will take any opportunity to express my gratitude. Being a Pantheist has allowed me to use different spiritual practices (the ones that are deemed as an open practice, I might add) and allowed me to go deeper in my own mind. I’ve utilized different manifestation methods, spells, prayers, journaling… you name it! I’d call myself a Pantheist eclectic witch at this point!

Most importantly, though, I’m grateful for my life and I have someone to thank for it. But really, isn’t that what religion is? Every religion has their own principles, morals, beliefs, yes and no’s- but the common meeting point is that we’re all grateful for the good things that happen to us. Nothing should be more important than that.

My purpose of writing this is not to tell you that religion is bad and the one I chose to adopt is the only correct one, I am writing this in hopes that at least one of you, who is struggling with their place in religion, knows that there are options for you. Your beliefs are yours, so you should have the right to dictate how you utilize them!

Finding my way through Pantheism has opened up my eyes to how beautiful belief systems are. Every religion (in general) has value. While sometimes there are things I don’t agree with and somethings are hurtful towards one’s existence, the idea of having something to soothe you and express gratitude to is ultimately why I took in a belief system again. That’s what worked for me, and whatever works for you is valid and worthy.